It has been a difficult week in a lot of ways. Mainly because of work but also because by the time I get home, Méabh simply wants to feed or sleep. I have been missing all the activity during the day and when I change her for preparation for feeding in the evening, she launches into hysterics.
It’s unlikely but I think she’s been picking up on my stress in some ways. I have a lot going on in work at the moment and by the time I get home, honestly, I’m in no mood for minding a baby. That’s not good and it’s not what I wanted at this stage but that’s life. Méabh is my responsibility and I have to make time for her even when I’ve been working for 16 hours straight and I feel like doing nothing other than sleeping.
Tonight was a little different. I got to work at 9:30AM and I finished at 7PM. Instead of going straight home, I met up with a few friends in Dublin for a pint or two and that was enough to let the week’s problems wash away for a while. I got home at around 9:30 and by 11PM I could tell Emma was really ready for a good night’s sleep. So I told her to go on up and that I’d change Méabh the next time she started looking for a feed to allow Emma to actually go to bed without anything to worry about.
Emma is brilliant. Because I’m working such long hours, she encouraged me to sleep in Méabh’s room for a lot of days this week. I really want to make sure that I return the favour this weekend by allowing her to get as much rest as possible.
That’s not really what this post is about though. Ordinarily when I change Méabh, she screams the place down and wiggles about like a fish on a hook. Tonight, when I changed her at about 10 past 2 in the morning, she was of course hungry and therefore searching for Emma but the straining against the change of nappy and clothes was much more manageable. In fact, she even paused from time to time when I was buttoning up her baby grow. The main thing she doesn’t like is when I’m getting her hands in to the arm holes but she’s the same with Emma as well.
It was just a huge relief that she wasn’t over difficult for me.
I know that after two weeks I should be fine with all this kind of thing but I’m so afraid of hurting her that when she cries because of a change of clothes, I’m always afraid that I’m doing something wrong.
This whole having a daughter thing is hard but not for the reasons I thought it would be. I’m constantly worried! My ears are ultra-sensitive to her breathing, I’m noticing all her little movements and changes and I’m constantly worried that I’m doing something wrong. Of course, every person who has had a child is assuring me that this is all natural. It’s a pity they didn’t warn me that I’d be this afraid before she was born!
Anyway, I just wanted to say Thanks Méabh. You’ve given me a bit of hope that I’m not doing this completely wrong.